Happy Retail Christmas

I don't know about you, but back in the day I worked in retail.  Yours truly has been a customer service schmuck at the following fine institutions:

• Musicland (aka Sam Goody, aka FYE, etc, etc, etc)
• KMart
• Barnes & Noble (no relation)

Musicland, in the mall, during Christmas, was unbelievably insane.  We had the weirdest customers on the planet:

• One man, when asked if he was a Washington resident (we're close to Oregon where there is no sales tax), said "No!  I'm from Argentina!" (which I would bet $5 was not true).  My co-worker replied "Then I will TAX you!" with just as much flourish.  Then the man said, "You're going to end up on my operating table!"  My co-worker and I were like, WTF?
  

• On Christmas Eve two gangsta girls got into a scuffle at the entrance to our store.  The manager and assistant manager physically pried them apart.  One screamed at the other, "You're marked, BITCH!  You're MARKED!!"  The entire store when silent.  The manager turned around to face the line of customers that wrapped around the store and said (whilst busting a move) "Tis the season to be a GANGSTA!"  

I didn't work at The Big K during the Christmas season, and I thank The Baby Jesus for that small favor, but I did have my share of scary customers regardless:

• One woman purchased half dead flowers that were supposed to be half off.  The system we used NEVER, EVER got prices right so of course it over charged her.  She returned to my line about 10 minutes later to tell me.  I apologized and pointed out to her where to obtain an adjustment (the customer service desk handled that stuff).  All of a sudden she started kicking my counter and screamed, "WHAT? I HAVE TO BE INCONVENIENCED BECAUSE OF YOUR ERROR??!!"  I just stared at her in horror and then she stormed off.  I heard her screaming at the customer service desk people and when I looked over, she was pointing at me with an accusing finger.

I worked at Barnes & Noble for an entire year.  That is a year of my life I will never get back.  No, really, if you're going to work retail, a book store is not a bad choice.  While it was way better than Musicland or KMart, it too had it's moments:

• I was carrying a large stack of books from the cash register area to the kid's section (where I was assigned).  A woman stopped me and said, "Are you busy?"  I just looked at her.  This question happened all the time at Barnes & Noble for some reason, along with "Where is your copy machine?" and, "Can I get a library card here?"  But my favorite was, "Where is your non fiction section?"
  

• I was walking to the ladies room (with my coat on & purse in hand) after my shift and a customer literally stepped in front of me, put both of his hands out as if he was going to grab my arms and said, "You work here.  Where is...."  I promptly stepped around him and continued walking toward the bathroom.  I heard him huff and puff and "What the...!" to himself and just shook my head.  A few years later, when the movie Snatch came out, I was reminded of that moment when Brick Top said, "If you stop me again whilst I'm walking, I'll cut your effing jacobs off."

Since it's almost Christmas, here is some more of Brick Top for your viewing pleasure (NSFW):